cornergasfandomcom-20200213-history
Jail House/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Hey, Lacey, can I order somethin'? Lacey Burrows: Just a minute. There. What do you think? Hank: I'm thinkin' fries. Lacey: No, not that. Hank: Why can't I have fries? Lacey: I mean the curtains. They were starting to look a little shabby. Hank: Oh, yeah, they do look a little shabby. Lacey: Hank. Hank: What? I'm agreeing with you. Lacey: The old ones were shabby. These are new. Hank: Huh? Now you're putting me on the spot. That's why I don't have a girlfriend. Lacey: Yeah, that's the reason. Would you just tell me the truth? Hank: And then can I have some fries? Lacey: Yes. Hank: Okay. It doesn't matter what this place looks like. It's attached to a gas station, which looks kinda junky and bad. So everyone just expects this place to look junky and bad too. Can I have some fries now? Lacey: No. Hank: But... Brent Leroy: Oh, hey, Wanda, one of us is late for work. And when I get here, I'll tell you which one of us it is. Oh, wait. I was already here. Oh, what a giveaway. Wanda Dollard: How long have you been thinkin' that one up? Brent: Off the top of my head. Okay, I thought of it last Thursday. Wanda: I had to walk. My car's on the fritz. Brent: On the fritz? Zowie. What a kick in the knickers. Wanda: Look, I haven't had the best start to my day, and I haven't even had my coffee, so could you shut your zing hole? Brent: Zing hole? Why would I shut my zing hole? I can get a few good zings in before you wake up and start zinging me back. Wanda: Give me a raise, so I can get my car fixed. Brent: That's not really a zing. It's more of a crazy pipedream. Karen Pelly: All right, everybody, could I have your attention? Your attention, please. Does anybody own a pickup truck with a cracked windshield? Ah. Now that I have your attention, it's time, once again, for the annual Telemiracle fundraiser. This year we're doing something kinda fun. We're actually putting the fun in fundraiser. And the fun starts now. I have Davis locked in jail at the police station and he's agreed to not come out until the town can raise a bail of $1,000. Hank: Geez, poor Davis, sittin' there all by himself, solitaire confinement. Karen: Exactly. Davis is doing hard time. It's no walk in the park. Karen: Okay, goose down comforter, hypoallergenic pillow, Earl Grey tea. Davis Quinton: No camomile? Karen: They were out. Davis: Oh, this is gonna be hell. Lacey: Oh, well, it's a good cause. So I am going to donate some money. And I think everyone else should too. What? Karen: Nothing. It's a start, I guess. We're, uh, 1/500th of the way there. Lacey: Well...oh, what do you think of my new curtains? Hank: Don't say anything. Emma Leroy: We need a new toilet. Oscar Leroy: What? We just got that one. Emma: Oh, that's right. Then we bought one of those fancy new colour televisions. Oscar: Are you sayin' there's somethin' wrong with the TV? Emma: Most people have flat screens that hang on the wall. Oscar: We can hang our TV on a wall. Emma: Forget the TV. The toilet's an eyesore. The toilet bowl's rusted out and that floating thing at the back no longer floats. Oscar: It's fine. It serves its purpose. Emma: Oscar, are you gonna mow the lawn or not? I've asked you every day this week. It's a foot high and... Oscar: Just get some cleaning stuff and some scrubby things. That toilet will look good as new. Emma: You know what's even better than good as new? New. Lacey: Do you think Corner Gas looks junky? Karen: I hadn't really thought about it. Lacey: Well, it looks junky to me. Karen: Okay. Lacey: I mean that's probably why you weren't very enthusiastic about my curtains. It's probably because this place is connected to the gas station and the gas station's kinda junky, so who cares about my curtains. Karen: Exactly. Who cares? That's what I think. Hey, can I get a cola? Lacey: At this time of day? Yeah. Karen: I actually prefer to get my caffeine that way. Lacey: I didn't know that. Karen: With Davis I usually drink coffee. Lacey: Why? Davis: You shouldn't drink that stuff, especially in the morning. It'll rot your gut and it won't help your complexion. It's just pure sugar, that's all it is. And if you're like me, it'll go right to your thighs. Karen: No reason. Hank: You ever done time before? It's harder than you think. Davis: Have you ever done time before? Karen: No. But I've seen a lot of prison movies. And from what I can tell, you're in for a world of pain. Davis: Scone? Hank: No, I'm good. Lacey: Brent, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but your gas station looks kind of junky and bad. Everybody's saying so. Well, Hank said so. Brent: Well, if Hank said so. Lacey: And Karen went on and on about it. Brent: Well, look, a gas station should be a little junky. It should have a little grease on the floor or whatever that is by the cooler. Lacey: Don't you think your business could benefit from a little sprucing up? Brent: Geez, what is that by the cooler? Lacey: I'm serious. Brent: It doesn't smell like grease. Lacey: Oh. Karen: Hey, Wanda. Care to make a donation to get Davis out of jail? Wanda: It depends on what he did. Maybe some time in the hoosegow will teach him a lesson. Karen: The what? Wanda: The hoosegow. The coop. The can. The clink. Karen: Oh, right, I get it. Wanda: The big house. The jug. Karen: All right, I get it. We're just trying to raise money for the Telemiracle fundraiser. We're putting the fun back in fundraising. Wanda: Forget it. I need every penny I can get, so I can get my car...I mean, I'm also fundraising for a charity that needs funds. Karen: What charity? Wanda: The Foundation for Eradicating Severe Maleculitis in kids. Karen: Maleculitis? Wanda: Any bit helps. Karen: You're taking the fun out of fundraising. Hank: Have you ever seen that movie, Cool Hand Luke? That's a prison movie. Is it like that in there? Davis: Yeah, pretty much the same. Hank: The guy in that movie ate 50 hard boiled eggs. Davis: I'm trying to read. Hank: I could eat 50 eggs. What's the most eggs you ever ate in one sittin'? Davis: Two. Isn't there someplace you could go? Hank: I could go get some eggs. You got a hotplate in there. Oscar: It's not just the price of the toilet. They kill you on the installation. Wanda: I'll do it for ya. Oscar: What? Wanda: I could use the money. Plus, I'm an old hand at that stuff. I used to date kind of a handyman type guy. Mike Holmes: So for a nice finish, we just want to take a bead of caulk around the base of the toilet, wet your finger, carry it through on the caulking, for a nice clean line. Hey, are you listening? Wanda: Yeah, yeah, finger in the toilet. Wanda: Boy, he sure knew how to show a gal a good time. Emma: I don't know, Wanda. I mean I appreciate the offer, but this has to be done right. Oscar: And that's where I come in. Wanda: I'll work cheap. Oscar: Done. Emma: Oscar. Karen: Oscar! Can you donate money to get Davis out of the hoosegow? Oscar: The what? Karen: You know, jail, the prison, the jug house? Oscar: What the hell are you talkin' about? Karen: It's for Telemiracle. Davis is gonna stay in a jail cell until we can raise $1,000. Oscar: Does he have a working toilet? Karen: I hope so. Oscar: Hah. Well, then, he's not gettin' my money. Lacey: Brent, I had a... Brent: Sorry. I was just engrossed in this. There's this giant, hairy kinda half rock type creature, who has a lightning machine. Well, it's a long story. Lacey: Yes, it is. And I was wondering if I could put these flowers here. Brent: Why would we put flowers in a gas station? Lacey: Because it will give the place a more welcoming feel. It's just a little thing. People will probably hardly even notice, but they'll have a positive subconscious effect. Flower Customer: Hey, flowers. Are those for sale? Brent: No. Flower Customer: That's stupid. Brent: Well, he seemed positive it was stupid. Lacey: I said that it would be subconscious. Oscar: You sure you know what you're doing? Wanda: Don't I look like I know what I'm doing? Oscar: No. That's why I'm askin'. Emma: Is your tool belt on upside down? Wanda: Oh. Well, it's a loaner. Look, you two go downstairs. You don't have to worry about a thing. I'll just go in here and see what we're dealin' with. Okay, I got a good start on things. Karen: Sorry about the shoes, Davis. I know you hate that. Hmm. Hank: I don't know how you can stand it in there. It's like being buried alive. The claustrophobia must be murder. Davis: Hank, for the last time, I'm fine. Please go home. Hank: Nope. We're in this together. Davis: I don't want company. Hank: You and me. Sure, on the outside we're different, but on the inside, we're the same. Except you're inside and I'm outside. And I'm not gonna leave you. Davis: Hank, I want you to listen to me very carefully. The only hardship I'm facing in here is that you're here. You're making this difficult. So, please, go! Hank: Karen and this charity have driven you to the point of madness, where you lash out at me. I'm not gonna leave ya, buddy. Not when your mind is startin' to comprehend the cage. Davis: My mind's not doing that. Hank: Denial. Davis: I'm not in denial. Hank: Denial of denial is one of the first signs of denial. If I wasn't scared of what might happen leaving you here alone, I'd go get help. Davis: Really? You'd go? Look, these walls, they're, they're closin' in on me. I, I can't breathe...pulse racing...mind busy. Hank: I gotta get Karen. Or I could just call her. Davis: Go! Karen: Hi, Emma. Wanna donate to the Get Davis Out of Jail fundraiser? It's okay if you don't want to. I've taken up too much of your time. Emma: What is it? Karen: Ah, it's complicated. You're busy. It involves fun and putting that into fundraising. I'll just come back another time. Emma: That's your pitch? I'm underwhelmed. Karen: Well, it's like people say. Davis being in jail isn't really much of a hardship. Emma: Ah. Karen: What? Emma: You like being alone. You like the peace and quiet of someone not nattering in your ear. Karen: I don't know what you're talkin' about. Emma: Whenever Oscar's not around, I listen to beautiful classical music. Karen: You play classical records? Emma: I just hear the music in my head, whenever Oscar's not around. Wanda: Dirty son of a...! I'm okay. Emma: We're getting some work done. Wanda: On a completely unrelated topic, are there any large Band-Aids? Brent: Aw, come on. Modern art, now, in a gas station? Lacey: It's not modern. It's contemporary. Brent: What's the difference? Lacey: The difference is that these are going up in here somewhere. Brent: Fine. If stickin' those on the wall are gonna keep you from hangin' crystals and drappin' gold flambé over everything, go ahead. Oscar: Hey, does Wanda know anything about plumbing? Because, holy hell! What are ya doin' to the 1977 Junior All-Star hockey poster? Lacey: I am just hanging a few prints. Oscar: But that poster's been hangin' there since 1977. Holy hell! The 1976 Junior All-Star poster. Brent: That's where that went. Lacey: I give up. Brent: Yeah, I wish I could believe that. Hank: Hey, you gotta give me the keys to the cell so I can let Davis out. Karen: Sorry, Hank, can't do that. We haven't raised enough funds yet. Hank: How can you tell? Have you even counted all that cash? Karen: Trust me. Hank: Hey, Brent, can I borrow a metal file? Thanks, pal. Wanda: Hey, Brent, can I borrow a hammer? Thanks. Can I borrow a jigsaw, drywall trowel, a power drill, a caulking gun, tiling blade? Thanks. Lacey: Hey, Brent, can I, uh... Brent: No, you can't paint the place. Lacey: Wow. You're good. You didn't even look up. Brent: I'm on a roll. Davis: What are you doing? Hank: Karen wouldn't give me the key. Now, I know these are supposed to come hidden in a big cake. But time's a wastin' and I don't know how to bake. Davis: Thanks a lot. Now I have a craving for cake. I got it. Oh, yeah. We were meaning to get the lock fixed. Oscar: Hi, Karen. How's your idiotic fundraiser goin'? Karen: Ah, you were right, Oscar. Oscar: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that. Karen: You'd have what, five cents? Oscar: I didn't come up with the stupid idea of turnin' Davis into jailbait. Karen: I don't think that's the phrase you're looking for. Oscar: You're probably happy bein' alone, peace and quiet. You know, when Emma's not around, I listen to classical music. Buddy Holly, Ray Stevens, Boxcar Willie. Karen: Davis isn't alone. Hank's with him. Oscar: Hank's with him? You didn't say that. Poor guy. Here's ten bucks. Lacey: Mind if I light some incense? Brent: Sure, go nuts. What's that funk? Is something burning? Lacey: The incense. I just asked you if I could light incense, eleven seconds ago. Brent: Oh. Well, I wasn't really listening. These comic books require focus, you know? Lacey: This will really freshen the place up. Come on, just take a deep breath. Let the aroma envelope you. Brent: It smells like hippies. Lacey: How old are you? Brent: Well, it smells like what I imagine hippies probably smelled like. Lacey: Give it a chance. Brent: All right. But if a VW van pulls up out front, I'm callin' the fuzz. Wanda: Just putting the finishing touches on. Emma: I thought you said you knew what you were doing. Wanda: It's a process. And it doesn't help you keep interrupting me. "How's it goin' in there? Are you all right? Would you like some lemonade?" Drivin' me nuts! Oscar: Hey, did you hear? Davis is locked in jail with Hank...holy hell! Emma: Wanda, let me. It's a process. Oscar: Yeah, well I can't take much more of this. Wanda: Well, you get what you pay for. Oscar: I mean I can't take much more of not using the toilet. I'm about ready to burst. Emma: I have to wash my hair before bingo. Wanda: Well, use the kitchen sink. Oscar: Good idea. Emma: She meant me. And I can't use the sink. You shut off all the water to the house. Wanda: I did? Cool. Oscar: I gotta get outta this room. Emma: Did he say Davis was locked up with Hank? That's just cruel. Wanda: Yeah, I should have donated. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Karen, I just heard about Davis in there with Hank. Here's a hundred dollars for the charity. Karen: What? Jane (Donating Denizen): My kids smashed all their piggybanks. It's not much, but it's what we've got. Fitzy: Get him out. Hank: Get who out? Fitzy: What are you doin' here? Hank: Once I got Davis free, I figured my job was done. Karen: Davis is out? Hank: Well, that's, uh, not really for me to say. Karen: No, out of jail. Hank: Oh, yeah, like four hours ago. Oscar: What's up, jackass? Brent: What's with the toothbrush? Did Mom finally give ya the boot? Emma: These bathrooms are quite large and comfortable. Brent: So you kicked each other out? That's an interesting development. Well, thanks for not crashin' at my place. Brent: Hey, you can take back your hippie sticks. Lacey: You didn't give them a chance. Brent: I had to spray a can and a half of bug repellent in the air just to mask the reek. Lacey: The reek? Now, what is wrong with a little citrus bramble-berry eucalyptus potpourri? Brent: I don't know what those words mean, except citrus, and that means oranges. Lacey: So you're okay with spraying noxious chemicals, but you can't handle a little flowers and berries? Brent: Well, bug spray smells like summertime. Fitzy: You're well over a thousand dollars. There's like two grand here. Karen: I didn't count it. Trust me. Davis: What were you going to do with the extra money? And why is that dashboard all scuffed up? Karen: It's not. And I was gonna give the extra money to Maleculitis in kids. I'll tell you what. How about we throw Davis in the clink for a couple more days, lock him up good this time? Karen: This isn't fair. Davis: It's for charity. Hank: Geez, it's roomier in here than I imagined. Davis: I had the lock fixed. Hank: Have an egg. Emma: Where is she? Oscar: She quit on us, left us high and dry. Well, not dry. Wanda: You're outta milk. Emma: Gimme that. Oscar: How could you leave us high and wet like this? Wanda: Okay, okay. It's taking some time, but I think I know now what needs to be done. Mike Holmes: I'm glad you called. You know, I've really missed you. Maybe we can go out for a drink after this, please. Wanda: Less pout, more grout. Davis: Hi, Lacey. Collecting money for charity. Lacey: Oh. What's the cause? Davis: Keepin' Karen in jail with Hank. Lacey: I can't support that. Davis: Okay, no problem. Ooo, I like the new curtains. Lacey: Really? Davis: Oh, yeah. They go great with the Formica tabletops and burgundy and chrome banquettes. Classic. Lacey: Aw. It's a good cause. Davis: Plus it doesn't hurt being next to Corner Gas. The dumpier that place is, the better this place looks. Lacey: Really? Brent: Thanks, Davis. Looks like she bought it. Davis: Glad I could help. Brent: Money well spent. Category:Transcripts